A Pocket Full of Chocolate (from the "Journal of a 7-year-old Unreliable Narrator")

Wednesday, November 1st

I ain’t lying! Mom said it was my fault, but I told her I did not leave a Milky Way candy bar in my pants pocket! Now Mom said all the clothes in the washer are stained with chocolate. I don’t understand how that could happen. I mean, it’s a washer machine. All it does is washes clothes to get them clean. So, how can clothes become dirty in a washer machine? She thought I did it because I went out trick-or-treatin' yesterday as my favorite superhero Spiderman on Halloween, and I got lots of candy. But I didn’t put the chocolate in the washer. I got Hershey’s and Butterfingers. Full size bars, too! Not those little fun size ones. Nobody likes them. One bite and you’re done. What fun is that? I also got Twizzler licorice and Tootsie Rolls. The Tootsie Rolls usually stick to my teeth, so I gotta be careful. Last year, a Tootsie Roll pulled out one of my teeth that was wiggly. Didn’t hurt, but Mom told me to watch out that it didn’t pull out my other teeth. Sometimes, my Mom is nice to me and looks out for me. But other times, she hates me. Like right now with the chocolate and the washer!
    
Everybody knows that I don’t like Milky Ways. Something about them just ain’t right. I like the chocolate on the outside, but that tan mushy stuff in the middle is just disguising! So, whenever I get Milky Way candy during trick-or-treatin', I take them out of my basket. Sometimes, I put them in my coat pocket or in my costume, then I trade them later with my friends. Dad likes eating my candy. Mom says she don’t, but I bet she sneaks a few pieces when I go asleep because there’s less candy the next day. Like this morning before school. I knew I had 5 fun size Snickers bars when I went to bed, and this morning before I left for school, there were only 3. But Dad likes eating my candy, too. He likes eating my Milky Ways. So, I bet anything he was the one who put the candy in the washer, and Mom blamed me! She likes Dad better than she likes me. Been that way for my whole life! All 7 years of it! I’m gonna keep this secret journal hidden from them until I find out more, then I can bust their crime wave of stealing my candy and blaming me for their chocolate clothes.

Friday, November 3rd

I got yelled at again! I came home from school and Mom was cleaning up the mess my dog made in my bedroom. My dog Dusty likes to lay on my bed when I’m at school. But today, Mom said the dog was making little whimpering noises. Then all of a sudden, YAK! He threw up a big gross pile right there in the middle of my room. I’m just happy he didn’t throw up in my bed. Sure don’t want to feel something wet and squishy when I sleep! Mom said that Dusty found candy in my clothes pile on the floor and was eating it. She said it was in my pocket again! I told her that I took the Milky Ways and that candy corn junk to school to trade with Mike Lex and Scotty Ryan at lunch yesterday. I traded the stuff I don’t like for the stuff they don’t like, which was Sweet Tarts and Dum Dum taffies. I don’t mind them nearly as much as the gross Milky Ways and those other candies that are just like them, Three Musketeers. Anyway, I told her I didn’t leave the chocolate in my pocket!

But that was not the worst of it. When Dad came home, Mom said that Dusty was still whimpering and was laying down all day, not moving much. Dad said dogs aren’t supposed to eat chocolate, so he took Dusty to the vet. He came back after Mom and I ate dinner, and Dad was mad. He said, “Sammy, if you can’t be responsible for your candy and if you keep leaving them in your pockets to be washed or for the dog to find them, then I’m going to take your candy away!” He said he would take my basket to Mom-Mom's this weekend, so my cousins would eat them. NO! I got the candy fair and square! I dressed up as Spiderman, I went door to door in my town with Mike and Scotty and filled my basket. It’s not my fault the dog can’t read a candy label. Isn’t he supposed to know he can’t have chocolate?! You know, I thought of something. Mom says Dusty is a Chocolate Labrador. But he can’t eat chocolate. And the stuff he poops out or throws up doesn’t really smell like chocolate either. That's weird...

Sunday, November 5th

Mom made me empty out all of my pockets before she washed my clothes. She doesn’t make Dad do it. This isn’t fair! Just because somebody in our house – not me – left a candy bar in a pocket that got washed and it stained everything, and just because somebody let the dog eat candy in my room – again, not me – and later he got all sick, now I’m the one being punished. I dumped all my clothes in the laundry room, then I stayed in my room all night. This was a lousy Halloween! I only got to have candy 1, maybe 2 days max. I had to give all my candy away. No more Snickers, no Reese Peanut Butter cups. No Hershey’s or Butterfingers, the full-size bars! Just a few Tootsie Rolls and the Sweet Tarts and Dum Dums I kept from school. 

But Dad came in my room and said he was sorry my Halloween turned out to be a bust. So, he gave me some money. He said I could buy an ice cream sandwich tomorrow during lunch. I told him that would make me feel better. He told me to be responsible and don’t lose the change because I could buy another treat on Tuesday if there was anything left over.  I know that Mom likes Dad better than me, but sometimes I think Dad likes me better than Mom! Can’t wait to buy Ice Cream at school tomorrow!

Monday, November 6th  

​I told Mom I ain’t lying! Mom said it was my fault, but I told her I did not leave loose coins in my pants pocket! Now Mom said there’s a metal sounding rattle in the washer, and she may have to call somebody to fix it. I hope Mom and Dad buy a new washer machine, because that old one keeps gettin' me in trouble!